Damned if you do

I was having my breakfast and reading the morning daily , while carelessly surfing through my facebook newsfeed , when my eyes caught hold of the "times of india" page that spoke of the suicide of Jiah Khan , the young and promising Indian actress who hung herself to death . Yes , it was hard to digest . I immediately changed the channel on tv from doraemon and started surfing towards the news channels . All of them were flooding with inputs speaking of her suicide , trying to decipher the reason and giving in the other needed and no-so-needed details .

So , the previous night , June 2, 2013 , she had sought to this extreme measure at 11 45 pm by hanging herself from the ceiling fan at her residence , in the absence of her mother and sister .  Initially , her unsuccessful career after a promising beginning with a debut against Mr Bachhan was cited as the prime reason behind this step . News channels spoke of how she was too young to judge herself and how should have waited and tried harder and not given up .

However , the biggest possible twist in the tale came about 4 days later , when her sister found a six- page long suicide note  that clearly suggested her plan of ending her life . It also brought to light an uberly ugly picture of her decaying relationship with her boyfriend , Suraj Pancholi , a struggling actor and  son of Aditya Pancholi . 

The letters summed up into facts that shook the bases of the case . She was repeatedly harassed , physically and mentally  by the man in question . Apparently , she had aborted their child too but nothing mattered to him and her cries and wails fell to his deaf ears . He repeatedly cheated on her and was ostensibly , living on her money too . After living through such an abusive relationship , she heard her dreams shatter and could see no reason to live .

The investigation began and Pancholi was taken behind the bars . However , being a popular actor's son , considerations were given , hearings were delayed . And etc etc , like how things go here .

But regardless of whatever happens , one life's gone . One person's chance to shine bright is asleep . Her dreams , her aspirations , her hopes , the candle burning it all's dimmed . People are blaming the man for doing it all her . But , somewhere she's equally to be blamed for taking everything from him . Like Gandhiji's rightly remarked , the person who bears oppression is equally  , or maybe more at fault as compared to the oppressor . She killed herself , she  snatched the happiness of her mother , her sister , her friends , people who cared for her , people to whom she mattered . And she did all that for someone who doesn't care, never did and supposedly never will . He might as well be watching a football match with his friends or maybe having beer and partying with new girls . Her loved ones , on the other hand , her mother ,would still  probably be sitting in a corner with her deceased daughter's photograph , pondering over the tragedy , still struck at the reality of the disbelieving act . Ultimately , who's the loser ? It's neither the girl nor the boy . It's the people who have stayed back and have to face the silence after the storm . 

My childhood friend once asked me , if it's okay to kill yourself and if it's not , then should we hate the person who's done that ? The truth is , everything under the sun can be reasoned out , it can be rationalized and molded according  to your wishes and wants , so there's hardly anything that remains - right or wrong . It's purely a state of mind . However , the only thing that should be remembered here is , that "death" is  an irreversible action , Once done , can never be undone . And once a person is gone , you hate him / love him / miss him , nothing would matter to him at all , because he's gone . It's you who has stayed back and you know the pain , you know the suffering .  Hate is too negative an option and with the pain and the misery already there in the air , there'd be no room for hate . Practicality says , move on - life goes on . Blah- blah . Reality , cling on to the memories, but remember the fact that you're alive and there're more lives attached to you and you wouldn't want them to have a taste of the medicine that you're currently on . 

It's too complicated a thing to speak on , actually . Hundred people , hundred different ideas , hundred different ways to deal it . 

May Jiah Khan's soul rest in peace and may her family and friends be given the strength to endure this pain because they're the actual fighters at the moment .

Samay samay ki baat hai , it's all about timing

Though i had woken up , I was still on my bed, lying cozily wrapped-up in my quilt, dreamily following the raindrops and the dark clouds that had completely blanketed the evening sky, making it look all the more appealing . There was a sense of serenity in the air, maybe that's the beauty of the season. That early-morning-nip-in-the-air waala season , haye life seems just too happpy during such times . Leaving your homes in the morning and folding your pants to your knees and walking to your school-college-work-nowhere splashing water all over , chapaaak-chapak, exclaiming at the rich spoilt brat with the "i am back from youuuu-aaaaass-aayeee" look , who ruined your record of not-bathing-for-a-month by driving past you and wetting you , with a bonus package of a wet mud pack. And then sitting the whole day with wet socks , yes there's good in that too. It's all about timing . Maybe that's the beauty of this season.

With the entire picture of the next day's morning in my mind , i got up and went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea for myself . The tea was still brewing and the milk , boiling , when i got a message from my bestfriend . She said , there was a bomb outside her office and she's on her way back home . Half confused and half bewildered , I was wondering the big deal about a "laxmi-bomb" until she mentioned words like police and evacuation .

My heart skipped its next beat and then began to pace faster than usain bolt when i realized what that meant . Yes , it's all about timing . She was safe now but the very thought of her being sooo close to a live-actual-bomb sent chills down my spine . I simply didn't know what to do and how to react.  I wanted to know more about it , but somehow couldn't gather the courage to ask anything more . I sat down and shut my eyes , and prayed for a minute . I don't know what is it that i prayed for , but i simply did . Somewhere , i kicked myself for being selfish and remembering God only when i needed him , but nevertheless , i just did that .  She was home in the next fifteen minutes .

I heaved a sigh of relief . Went back to the kitchen , the water had boiled off & hot falls of milk were flowing down the burner to the sink . It's all about timing ! I turned the gas off and cleaned it up . I looked out , it was still raining .

I wore my crocs and went out for a walk , i probably needed that . I was still scared and frightened . i wondered - the uberly basic question . WHY . Why does this happen . I remember reading Ajmal Qasab's interview after he had attacked on the 26/11 and before he was hanged , it didn't make sense then , it doesn't make sense even now . How can you plainly become so disdainful that you can take innocent lives without any rhyme and reason . And what can we commoners do about it ?? It feels so helpless , it feels so weak . People speak of not living in fear and things like that , even i would say that to my family and friends  , but when it'd come to letting them do the same , I'd think twice first and then probably ask them to stay away . Im sure most of you would do that too . It's a maze and there's no answer to it because the reality is , somewhere, we are simply puppets in the hands of the government , the system and the terrorists .

I checked my watch , it was 7 30 pm , the rains had stopped , i began to walk back towards my home . it was muddy and my wet clothes felt sticky . It was irritating . A zooming car brushed past me , splattering a large deal of muddy water on me . I yelled at him , calling him names but he didn't stop , I ofcourse knew he anyway wouldn't have . It didn't feel good this time . Yes , it still was the nip-in-the-air waala season , but it didn't feel good then . Maybe it's all about the timing ! Maybe that's the beauty of -something- too . ..