Done too soon

LOCATION: Marine Drive, Mumbai. Narrated by me to some angel in Heaven...

Holding my head high, I shrugged away all the thoughts entering my mind; I tried to nod away the thing that’d been running all over my mind. Blood gushed through my nerves, instantly giving me goose bumps. I tried to control my breath. I closed my eyes and felt the stillness of the water and the quietness of the sky. I tried to live, feel, but failed yet again. The quietness of the sky was wrecked by the storm within me.

The sweet sound of her laughter lightened my world. Her eyes filled my life with aliveness. Her voice and her talks gave a definite direction to my life. Her touch would silently whisper in my ears that I’m still alive. Life was “life” with her around.

I opened my eyes, two drops of tears rolled down my cheeks; a few more joined the streak. In front of my eyes, I had reality standing with open arms, ready to embrace me. I closed my eyes again, saw her. Divine. That mere sight would comfort me.

I shooed away every single thought in me. I checked my bag, took out a cigarette and lit it. I stared at the water and smoked the whole of it. It felt light, it felt good... I lit another one, looked at the moon over me and exhaled. I saw the image of the moon getting blurred because of the smoke. The sight somewhat disturbed me. I looked down. I felt weak, felt high, intoxicated. The tears were back.

The tears were back again. For some unknown reason, the moon had always reminded me of her. In her absence, it used to keep me close to her, keep me connected to her in some way or the other. The dizzy image of the moon disturbed me. The blurred picture of the moon scared me. I wondered what did that mean. Just then I felt a soft rustle on my ears, she whispered, “it’s the smoke.” I instantaneously understood everything. It then dawned on me that not just in reality, I had begun to lose her in my dreams as well...

I won’t ever smoke. I pledged.

I wiped off my tears. A broad and confident smile had taken their place. My eyes shone, hopes had replaced despair and dismay. I got up. I just wanted to go to her, hug her, apologize to her, and love her.

I got up. I began running. Somewhere, I could see her walking away from me and all I had to do was reach out to her and call her back. I ran and ran. I began losing my sight. First the cars, bikes and buses disappeared; then the people around me disappeared, then the sound, sky, stars, everything vanished. All I saw was her.

I didn’t see the bus speeding towards me. I had already been blindfolded by then. I didn’t see the bus. It ran into me. I died on the spot. How could I die? What about my apology? What about her? How’d she ever know what I felt tonight? How’d she ever know that I’d actually quit smoking and that I was going to come back to her, back home? The bus went away. People gathered around me. I was dead but my eyes were open- they still had love for her oozing out, they were apologetic, they were true; only the hopes, the hopes had sublimated along with my soul...